my being
inhabited by formless desires
that sway, run, & peer
actors in play

I don’t even feel ready to read ‘Tip of the Spear’. How can I read about a carceral attack on the poor, without understanding the causes for why certain people would want to attack the poor. I know they exist, but I don’t feel like I could articulate the reasons, other than by saying “capitalism”. Unfortunately that one-word argument is not good enough to convince anyone. It’s comical to think it would, although I am being somewhat cheeky, and I know one-word will never be equivalent to an argument. What I mean is when I think of the word “capitalism”, a world of horrors under the system we live in come to mind.

Last night in a discussion and argument among my family and my father, we came to the conclusion that perceived value is bullsh*t, and making demands is the only way to ameliorate the effects of low-perceived value– because every hard worker deserves respect whether you are a cook, a teacher, a media personality, an NBA player, or a CEO.

My brother-in-law, through his own arguments, had shown the importance of using statistics as well as narrative experience, first or second hand. He quoted percentages of what people make in certain professions, and had quantifiable numbers in stories where money and time was the main theme. We have to know the hard-facts and the ones that need to be cited in these types of situations– or we’ll never know where the telephones are when we have to call 911, let alone where the nearest one is. Essentially we know it’s an emergency, but we are helpless to do anything about it. I can talk about not knowing how to do things all day, and think my awareness of that is the cure. The cure is knowing how to do the thing, and requires the same energy to flip that coin. A giant, heavy, coin worth more than we could put a dollar amount on. The bridge from not knowing how, to knowing how is one filled with trials– trials you have to remind yourself to put yourself in if they are not self effacing in your own life. Yet what am I to do? I’m not going to put myself in the debate club, am I…

Actually yes, yes I will. Every week I can give myself a topic I would like to research and become a juggernaut in arguing about, and then use AI to be my opponent. As an individual I am atomized in this society, and I rather not expose myself to vitriol on social media. If there was a debate club, or a group of friends I could argue this stuff with, that would be better. But I don’t, and random strangers are not professional experts worth dueling. This way I will know where I stand on things, and be able to articulate my arguments (hopefully without becoming emotional) as was my initial concern. Why it matters to me so much when so much else matters in the world… because for my intended goals I don’t believe I’ll be able to innovate properly unless I know the in’s and out’s of the system I’m working in. I am a boundary pusher. I need to know the boundaries so I can push them. Again, knowing that about myself is not enough. I need to flip that big heavy coin…

Dec 15, 4:10PM